Ah, Cindie, but you remember the good things are there, where in the past you would have forgotten them entirely. I think that’s half the battle–remembering that there are good things at all. You’ll solve this because you’re motivated. It’ll just take time.

My problem is success but not for the reasons you (rightly) give. As soon as I see I’m approaching something I want (like, say, an editor wants to see some small changes to a book manuscript), I stop. I don’t realize it until months later, but I know I do it. Or if I manage to reach a goal (such as selling to anthologies I was targeting or getting into a workshop I wanted or winning a grant or fellowship), same thing. I freeze. A couple of years of therapy gave me some insight into why I do this, but I still seem incapable of changing the behavior.

I don’t quit when the going gets tough; I quit when the path is finally clear and easy. I handle rejection like a champ. I can take the most brutal critique and not miss a step. But success, praise, I’m toast.

I even tried your idea of getting a notebook for positive things because that seems brilliant to me. I got the notebook. It’s the perfect size, perfect shape. I carry it in my purse so I can jot things down any time. I bought it in July. Haven’t written a word in it. You mention making Master Class students write down the good things. You made me. I did. Wrote down every word. Now I can’t go near that notebook. It is still sitting in the exact spot I set it when I got home a year ago, despite the fact that I’ve rearranged that office twice. I’m hoping this is just a matter of action lagging behind understanding, but it’s sure getting old.

“you start questioning your own reaction. Are you overreacting? Are you too sensitive? Are you, in fact, being silly?”

Am I?

And with #5, I’ve had people tell me it’s nonsense, but I believe it’s true, too. Your goal was to get published, you did, hurrah, but it seemed anti-climactic, so let’s quit and find another goal. Hell, let’s learn to play guitar, or open a business, or…

But both of these come down to: I have met the enemy, and he is me.

c.

This time I decided I would enjoy the process. Work hard and not let the inevitable rejection get me down. Last night I received my 4th rejection on my first novel. I had a moment of self doubt and then smacked myself in the head and sat down to write.

Thank you for all the hard work you do for new writers.

I was talking with Mary Robinette Kowal, who had just won the Campbell, and I asked if the Campbell had affected her writing.

She said (paraphrased) that it had, that she felt like the millipede who is walking along and then someone says “how do you do that?” and the millipede says “I don’t know” and falls over.

Then she said that she knew she just needed to keep trying and writing and that it would come back and she’d be able to “walk” again.

And she has, as more recent successes show.

On a smaller scale, I also get how “success” affects your drive and how you need bigger goals that re-stoke the drive. You always need something that you’re striving for, that challenges you to stretch and keep trying to do your best…

– yeff